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Thursday, May 01, 2008

Lugnut's Trial: A Courtroom Drama

The Cucking Stool:

He's your witness, Mr. Aplikowski
When we last left Andy Aplikowski, he was bemoaning the fact that he had received a citation for failing to control his dog, a hairy brute of doubtful provenance named "Lugnut."

I happen to have a little to say about this [dog legislation being considered] as Lugnut was a bad boy Sunday night. He got out and got into it with a dog which apparently lives behind me. The people called the City, saying my dog was dangerous, and I was issued a citation for a loose dog. No one was harmed, I’m not so sure what really happened but I’m just going to deal with it.

Andy decides to contest this manifestly unfair action by the jackbooted thugs at Animal Control. He pleads not guilty and represents himself at trial. Your faithful correspondent Spot is called by the prosecution as an expert witness on dog and owner relations. After his direct testimony damning Andy for his neglect, it is Andy's turn to cross examine Spot. We pick up the action there.

Go read the whole thing at Spot's blog. Spot now has a followup of Andy cross examining Lugnut:

Andy's dog, Lugnut, was then called as a witness by the prosecution; Lugnut testified that he has escaped from the yard a number of times before. Now it is time for Andy's cross.

Andy approaches the witness stand where Lugnut is seated. Lugnut is a large medium-haired rough-coated dog; he is black and white, and brown, and when you get a good look at him, some tan, too. Lugnut is what they call at the pound, charitably, a "mix."

AA: [somewhat menacingly] Hello, Lugnut.

L: [whining] Hellp, Boss. Aren't you supposed to call me "Mr. Lugnut?"

AA: Just wait 'til we get home and see what I call--

J: [banging his gavel] That's enough Mr. Aplikowski! I won't have you badgering witnesses in my courtroom. And your dog is right: it is "Mr. Lugnut" in here.

AA: [rolling his eyes] Okay, okay. Mr. Lugnut, you say that you have escaped the yard several times. But it's a chain link fence; how is that possible?

L: As you know, Boss, the fence is what? A four footer? I can practically see over the fence! It's an easy jump; you know that.

AA: What I know or don't know is hardly an issue here.

P: Objection. Mr. Aplikowski is trying to testify, I think, and he's not under oath. And what he knows or doesn't know is obviously the issue here.

Again go read the whole thing.

Aplikowski's now built a fence.